Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is just around the corner. Christmas is my favorite holiday, but this year Christmas is reminding me of the Christmas I experienced years ago when I was going through chemo. The good news is I don’t feel like I’m dying. The bad news is that I still can’t walk unassisted. Travel leaves me sore, actually most things leave me sore.
This year I didn’t get to decorate the Christmas tree. I haven’t gone to look at lights. There has been no present wrapping, in fact there will be no presents from me this year since my budget involves medical expenses.
Enough of what is missing this Christmas. While I’m not able to do my normal traditions, I am here. I’m getting better. This year Christmas is about the gift of healing.
Progress has been slow, but then again I can be impatient. Who knows how much my body had to repair internally? I can’t find words to explain some of the things I experienced. I can put my full weight on my right leg again. I no longer have unexplained pain. Now I have pain as I work to rebuild muscles. The last few days I’ve found myself standing without leaning on anything although not for long.
I find myself frustrated with my doctor’s office. I order my CBD and Immune Therapy supplements and it takes weeks to get them. I ask when they will arrive and I get vague answers. It makes me want to scream. I don’t have another source for these items so I try to order them weeks in advance and it still doesn’t seem to be enough. They don’t seem to understand how serious this is. They’re so lackadaisical about the whole situation. At one point I wondered how much the CBD was helping me. I received my answer when I ran out last month. My ankle started aching and my sleep was disturbed. At least now I know it’s worth the money I’m paying for it.
I find it frustrating because it stresses me out not knowing if I’ll have my medicine before I run out and it doesn’t have to be this way. My life is as unstressful as I can make it. Most of my stress comes from working my body.
Enough about the situation I have little control over. I’ve been watching a number of shows on Gaia and have been reminded about heart coherence. Something that’s been missing in my life. I started focusing on heart meditations, this is where you put your focus on your heart. I often place my open palm over my heart and then focus on how my heart feels. Three years ago I was heart centered. Over time I became more mind focused. I wasn’t aware that it had happened, but it did slowly over time.
I think I’d been given glimmers of this for a number of months. The last year my heart was hurt a lot. I’m still learning how to deal with emotional pain. In the past I would go numb with the pain. I can’t help but think I needed to come home to heal my heart and give myself a safe place to really look at these feelings. So I would get glimpses but it didn’t come fully into my awareness because there were other steps that needed to be taken. Now the time is right.
I started doing the heart meditations last week and at first it was uncomfortable to feel my heart. I felt myself pulling away. I didn’t let that deter me though. Often times new experiences are uncomfortable or scare us. I continued to focus on my heart throughout the day and every day since and within a day or two I noticed a lift in my spirits, in my outlook.
I was so tired when I arrived at my parents house. All I did was sleep and watch TV. I had no energy to do all the things I loved. It was enough to keep myself moving through each day. Now I’m feeling more myself than I have in months. I’m devouring books, watching educational TV, having thoughtful discussions, working on my blog…. and so many other little things. I’m still sleeping a lot and slow moving, but I can see the changes and that gives me strength to keep going.