Since I’ve told people to quit asking me how I’m doing I should probably give you an update on what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Fill you in on the physical since much of what I’ve been expressing lately is more mental or spiritual or at the very least it’s “read between the lines”.
Let’s see, I’ve been on the CBD from Sunshine Global for almost two months now. I can’t say how much of my improvement is from the CBD. I had quite a few dark days when I first started taking it. I managed to overdose on THC. I ate some butter and found myself paralyzed in bed. This was after I woke up to a panic attack about what I would do if I ever had to return to the regular working world. The thought of working within our society for someone else appears to leave me terrorized. I need more control over my life and my health than you tend to get when you work for someone else. The very thought of returning to work for someone else makes me fear the return of cancer, when I’m still trying to heal from cancer. I didn’t say the panic attack made sense. After the panic attack I found my limbs so heavy I couldn’t move them. I told myself to go back to sleep and when I woke up again it would be better. It was, but what’s funny is that it seemed to foreshadow the events that were to transpire. Where my leg muscles would become so weak, I could no longer lift my legs.
Since that experience I’ve quit taking THC products. I’d used marijuana for years, but for whatever reason the high dose of CBD – I take around 650 mg every day appears to make me sensitive to even low doses of THC. After the THC experience, I managed to overdose on a painkiller that isn’t quite an opioid, but it is a strong painkiller all the same. It appeared 82-pound Tarryn wasn’t large enough to handle the dose. I haven’t tried that again either. I’m not sure how I managed to make it through those early days. Sheer determination. Mental distraction. Hot baths. Barely moving.
Then I added an anti-inflammatory drug to my protocol. Unfortunately, the insurance company wouldn’t cover the amount my doctor recommended, which required me try another one, that didn’t seem to work as well, but then my insurance was cancelled, I made do. Yes, you read that right, during all of this I was kicked off Medicaid and switched over to Medicare, but no one bothered to tell me. So, while I’m struggling with living, I had to figure out my insurance. Good news, I have insurance as of the beginning of the year. Happy New Year to me. Still most people experiencing cancer probably wouldn’t do well without having insurance for three months. Luckily, I’m not most people.
It was around this time that I decided I needed to come stay with my dad. At first it was for a week, but upon arriving here it became obvious that I shouldn’t return home until I saw a lot of improvement. It seemed I came here just as I lost my remaining strength. I’m quite sure my spirit let out a great sigh of relief. It had been using everything it had to keep me alive as I lived on my own. Now I could relax and let someone else take care of me.
I’ve been here for almost a month now. A couple of weeks ago I managed to catch a cold. My nieces and nephews spend quite a bit of time with their grandparents. I’m guessing the germs came from them. At first, I thought, great another setback, but I can’t help but wonder if catching the cold has helped to activate my immune system even more. Since I’m not doing chemo it’s not near as scary as it would be for most people with cancer. My immune system hasn’t been compromised by treatments that hurt as much (or more) than they help.
I believe what may have helped me the most is an Aloe Vera or Acemannan based product. It’s called Immune Support™. I had a sample from my doctor’s office when I first started taking the CBD and I noticed a difference immediately, but it took another month to get an actual bottle of the supplement. While I’ve read conflicting things about its effects on cancer, the list of benefits is quite long and the company that produces it designed it to help children with malnutrition. Something that it appears I’ve been struggling with since taking a mushroom supplement. I believe I may have been allergic to the supplement because it has worked wonders for others and is used in the East as an integrative option to treat cancer. I’m now staying away from mushroom supplements. I’ve tried them twice and they don’t seem to agree with my system. This doesn’t mean others shouldn’t try it but do listen to your intuition or your body. I kept taking it because of the idea that sometimes you must feel worse before you feel better, but there is a limit to that idea. It took out my appetite and my energy and it was during this period when things started happening that I didn’t understand. Even if it was killing cancer cells, it almost killed me too.
I am sleeping the night through again. I’m able to lift my legs again without the use of my hands… well most of the time. I now have some understanding of how it feels to be paralyzed from the waist down. Luckily the strength is returning, and my muscles are growing. I’m moving faster, and walking is getting better. I still can’t stand without assistance of some sort and I must have something to steady myself. I still need my walker to walk, but it doesn’t take as much effort as it used to. I haven’t been on a scale, but I’ve had to of gained a few pounds over the last few weeks. My family keeps mentioning the improvement in my color, and it sounds like I have the spark back in my eyes. The other day I had the energy to raise my voice and make my point.
I’m writing and I’m starting to re-engage with the things I love. Listening to music, wanting to read books, doing my oracle cards, and coloring to name a few. For months my life has involved the couch, watching TV, sleeping, and meditating. I’ve joked with my brother and my bestie that I’m currently living life through them since I don’t have much going on in mine, or at least not anything worth focusing on. That’s starting to change, and I am ever so grateful. Hopefully my next update will have me walking with cane. Maybe I’ll be able to walk up and down steps again. I’ll have been able to take a shower. I dream of doing yoga again. I’ve missed that connection with my body. Right now, it’s baby steps, but hey you must learn to walk before you can run.