The last few years I’ve spent a lot of time exploring myself. I have six notebooks filled with me expressing myself and learning my likes and dislikes. There are pages of love lists and I have a notebook dedicated to gratitude exercises. I’d discovered that I really loved the person I was once I stopped being what I thought I was supposed to be. Once I quit trying to be what we define success as in this country…. You know, a respectable job, financial security, the ability to run a successful household and have a successful career. Which begs the question: How do you measure success?
I was still struggling with this concept, the concept that just being me was enough, that I didn’t need to do anything other than exist and be happy in order to be worthwhile. I still remember when someone I loved and respected asked me if I was going to stop talking and actually start pursuing. Instead of trusting my own internal guidance, I let their words have power over me. I enrolled in a coaching program and I started thinking about building my practice, thinking about the blog, the book I needed to write, and how I would build my business. It became stressful.
My priorities were a little off. My first priorities should have been happiness and healing. Recognizing that no matter what I did it was enough. One of the problems was I had read about all these other cancer ambassadors who in healing had created businesses, foundations, or organizations that helped others. I thought I needed to be one of them. That this would help save me.
As I write this, the song Happier by Marshmello and Bastille just started playing. This happens me to so often I can’t dismiss how music in my life often fits the moment. Has that happened to you? A song that expresses what you’re thinking or experiencing at a given moment comes on and expresses it perfectly. It’s kinda like when you’re on Facebook and the ads reflect something you were talking about the other day, only you know it’s not because there is some program listening to your conversations…. Instead it is the magic of the universe, answering your request for your life to have theme music. I realize that this seems a bit off topic, but it’s not since it’s things like this that bring me happiness. The little magics of life that we write off, dismiss, or ignore. If you’re not familiar with the song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7Bc3pLyij0. Note, I’d say I’m singing the song to myself. I want you to be happier, Tarryn.
Back to my point, which is letting go of the programming and the need to be successful by the measurement of others. Today was a successful day. I played a game with my dad and grandma. I had dinner with my dad, stepmom, and brother. I was able to sit at the table and enjoy a family dinner, something I haven’t done since I came to stay at my parents. Now I sit here writing, having the energy to write after spending my day up and around. Considering the last six months have been me laying on the couch or sleeping, this is a huge improvement. I begin to feel like the soul I love so deeply.
I may not ever work again, that may not be my path. Maybe I’m meant to just touch others’ lives and help them see a different perspective. Maybe I’m just meant to find joy and happiness and learn to live in the moment. Maybe I’m just meant to experience this life. Maybe I’m here to learn to trust that life will reveal itself, something that I tend to forget and then remember. When I look back at my path, I can see how it weaves together. I can see mysteries and magic. Even this past year that has led me down a dark rabbit hole. I trust that there is a purpose and it may take a week, a month, a year, or a decade, or even my death before I can fully understand it, but it will reveal itself or I’ll finally reveal it to myself. There is a deep magic within us if only we’ll allow ourselves to see it and believe it. My measurement of success, when I allow myself to see and believe in the magic of life that surrounds me.