The last month has been an experience. There have been good days and bad days. The good days are considered good days because they are better than the bad, and I’m grateful for any day, but I’d imagine many people would consider them all bad days… or bad days and really bad days.
I’m aware of this and it’s not that I don’t struggle. Most people see me as this positive, happy person and I suppose it’s true in a sense. I see hope. I look at the world a different way than many. Even in the darkest moments I believe that the sun will rise. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get scared. That I haven’t spent hours crying, raging at my situation, wondering if I have it in me to keep moving forward. Wondering if I’ll die from cancer, if the end of this life grows near.
After all these experiences I’ve come to see that the tears dry, the anger passes, and somehow I do manage find the strength to keep going. Maybe this is why as I find myself unable to walk without assistance and even then only for short distances I believe that this experience will pass. I’ve wondered how long it will take me to heal. I’ve wondered if I’ll be like this for the rest of my life, but the voice deep inside me, it says no. I will become strong again. I will regain full control of my body. I will walk, run, skip, jump again.
That little voice… it’s so easy to ignore. I get so angry with myself because even after all this time I still doubt it. I still doubt myself. I’ve spent the last year doubting. I’m weary of doubting myself. It doesn’t help that it’s not always clear what is that little voice and what is the ego. I have come to realize that if whatever choice causes me to get up on a soapbox then it’s not my little voice, it’s my ego. One of the many lessons of the last year. That and pride may not goeth before the fall, but it certainly goes with the fall.
I’m learning to be patient and flexible with myself. I can’t sleep, but I also can’t sit comfortably at my desk. I found myself wanting to write and trying to manage it on my laptop… nope. So instead I’m typing this out on my smartphone. It’s easier than I thought. And it’s nice to see the words fill the screen.
Making the best out of a situation, whatever that might be, it appears to be one of my skills that I’ve learned over the last few years. So I have good days and bad, and now I’m starting to have more good days than bad. It’s taken months. The string of bad days started four months ago and there were moments where I wondered if I wanted to keep living… but I believed that I could find my way back to healing, that it was possible to recover.
I still have a long way to go. I wonder how long it will take, but day by day. I can do this. I will do this. And the day when I’ve finally accomplished it will be so very sweet. That’s the day I’m going to focus on. The joy of that moment.