Spiritual is defined as relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit. Another definition is of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomenon. These are a couple of the definitions Merriam Webster provides and what should be understood as the meaning when I use the word in this post.
I’ve kept a journal for more than half my life. My oldest writings are from when I was fifteen years old and my parents separated. Most of the writings I have from this period of my life are in the form of poetry. My oldest journal entries are from 2006, but my very first entry mentions the loss of my previous journal.
My journaling helped me to build a timeline of my life. I don’t have time to read the many volumes of my life often, but a quick review of my timeline can give me perspective and the ability to see patterns I would otherwise miss. Putting it together revealed storylines within my life I wasn’t consciously aware of.
Several years before I became sick, I felt lost. My journal entries from three years before being diagnosed with cancer used the words dissatisfied, stalled, frozen, depressed, listless, lonely, stuck and numb. I had created a metaphor, “Sometimes I imagine a bacteria or fungus that is growing and slowly poisoning us.” By us, I meant my husband at the time and myself.
I’d call it odd that I ended up with cancer, slowly growing inside of me, poisoning my body, but at this point, it’s just par for the course. It one of the many ideas or thoughts that has come to manifest itself within the reality of my life.
Once cancer arrived and I started chemotherapy I had time on my hands. I spent most of it watching mindless TV and reading books I had read before. My focus wasn’t great due to the drugs. I couldn’t think clearly. This may have been a blessing, but at the time I found it frustrating.
My consciousness was distracted and drugged. I was lost in a haze. It allowed the deeper part of myself to come to the surface. It was given the chance it needed to escape. A part of me was freed from the cage I’d kept it in. She, and SHE would be my Golden Goddess, my highest self, had been relegated to a small dark corner within me. I locked her up and I’d forgotten that I had done so. It had happened so long ago. It would take a while before I would recognize it for what it is was.
It didn’t need me to know what it was. Once out SHE made a declaration. Even as I recorded it in my journal I had no idea what I was saying. This declaration came from the deepest part of myself. An intention was being set before I really understood the power of intention. I was only just beginning to see the patterns in my life. The connection between my thoughts, words, and intentions and what happened within life. SHE knew though. SHE had been waiting for this moment for a long time.
On March 31st, 2011, I declared a Spiritual Quest. I didn’t know what a spiritual quest was. I had no idea what it entailed. I proclaimed it all the same. “I’ve lost my spirituality. I feel empty and lost. I refuse to continue to live life like this. So, I am beginning my spiritual quest. How exactly one does this I’m not sure. In fact, the thought made me laugh. Nevertheless, I am now on a spiritual quest and I have faith that the universe is going to help me along the path. Do you hear that universe?”
The universe did hear me. Better than I heard myself since I would forget this declaration multiple times in the next few years. It didn’t matter though. It was made and the gears were set in motion. I suspect the gears were set in motion before I was born. My story isn’t a story about cancer although at times I’ve gotten confused and let it be the focus. It’s easy to get distracted from my truth when we live in a world that encourages us to ignore our inner knowing, our intuition. My story is a hero’s quest and it involves a spiritual quest to awaken my powers. Cancer has been a means to an end. What better way to get a person to wake up and start living with intention than the threat of losing their life?
When I proclaimed a spirit quest I was declaring a journey to find myself. I was going to find my powers and to claim my supernatural birthright. I’d fantasized about these things, but I never allowed myself to believe that they were my right. Even as I made the declaration I didn’t understand that this is what the future would hold. SHE knew though. SHE always does. It’s just a matter of getting out of the way so that SHE can help.
This is when I was introduced to a new kind of faith. I had lost it when I was a child. I’d been looking for it ever I’d misplaced it. I’d become distracted by all the different energies and people. I started trying to live for everyone else and by their rules. I was living to get approval, love, and acceptance. This declaration was a turning point, a split in my path. It’s here where I began to find my new faith, a stronger faith. A faith in myself. In the divine part of me. The declaration of my spiritual quest would be the first step in reclaiming my faith and finding the meaning and reason for my life.