My Darkness

People often associate the word positive with me.  They assume I am happy because I focus on the best outcome and because I am kind to others.  I do experience happiness, but I also experience periods of great darkness.  The darkness is never far away.  Like the night it tends to make a daily appearance.

I can get trapped in the darkness.  It’s not difficult.  The fears of what could happen, of what I don’t know, of failure, of being unloved, they can hide in the most obvious of places, yet I am blind to them and fall into their traps.  As my sight is restored I find myself tangled in the darkness and I may very well end up wound tighter before making my way back out.

I don’t know how much of the darkness I struggle with is my own and how much is the world at large, or more specifically my next-door neighbor, my friends and family, and basically everyone I come into contact with.  You see I’m what many label as an empath.  I take others feelings and I absorb them.  I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, although I didn’t understand what I was experiencing until a couple of years ago.

This means the darkness I find myself trapped in isn’t necessarily my own.  The web I end up in may or may not be of my own making.  The web that is woven by my fears or the emotions of others can only hold me for so long.  While I may struggle to find hope its dim light never leaves me.  I do make it out.  Somehow I always find a way to move forward, to keep going.

I am not positive.  I believe that our words, our thoughts, our energy, our intentions, these create our reality.  I am not happy all the time, not even close, but if I want to experience more happiness then I need to focus on happiness.  I make a conscious choice.  Dwelling on the hurt, the trauma, the pain will not make me happy.  I also can’t ignore it.  I can’t just “positive” it away.  I have to deal with it.  If I don’t then it will remain in my life, holding me back and adding to the darkness.  At times I go running headlong into the darkness, shining as brightly as I can, blazing a trail that I hope will dispel the darkness that has found its way into my heart.

I don’t focus on the negative in the world.  Instead, I do what I can to make a difference.  I try to show solutions to problems instead of arguing over the cause.  I try to take the hopelessness from others and show them there is still hope.  There is always hope.  We are hope.  Every day is a new chance to create a new world.  While the problems in the world seem too great for us to solve, our daily thoughts and decisions can change the world.  Changing our communities will change our state and our nation and even our world.

I could stay in my darkness afraid that I will never be able to make a big enough difference.  Afraid that I will die, but death will come no matter what I do.  Instead I refocus my thoughts.  I remember that I have already made a difference in the lives of many people.  Some I know of, but I know there are others that I have touched that I don’t even know about.  I don’t need to.

No, I’m not positive; I have a very close relationship with the darkness of despair.  It is because of this I try to shine for others.  For in shining for them, I save myself.

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