I had been beating myself up because I felt I had been neglecting my blog. I hadn’t been posting new content on a regular basis. Since I couldn’t see a physical measurement of completion I kept hearing this voice in my mind nagging me that I hadn’t spent enough time on it.
This happens to me a lot in my life. The life story I had written was that I was never good enough. The bar I had set myself was so very high. I didn’t measure anyone else using this bar. Only myself and I always came up short. It would be reinforced when people in my life weren’t happy with my decisions or actions, or whenever I hurt someone. It would be my shortcoming, my fault. It would mean once again I wasn’t good enough. It took me a long time to realize I was the one creating this energy in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is my fault, and I do have shortcomings, but I’m also AMAZING. The little voice in my head, it doesn’t say that very often. I have to be conscious about it and say it aloud, or remind myself in my writing. I am amazing. If I don’t do this then I question myself, doubting my determination, and my ability for success. My mind goes in circles and I become depressed and believe that I am lazy, unproductive, or self-sabotaging, but that is not true. That’s just the soundtrack that gets stuck on repeat if I’m not careful.
My mind had decided to latch onto this idea that I had been failing myself again. Why? Because I hadn’t been publishing content for my website. It’s true; I haven’t published a lot of content over the last couple of months. I tend to stop here and berate myself some more, than the cycle begins all over again. Rarely do I get the point where I ask why I haven’t been publishing content to my site.
The answer came to me as I started to work on posts for the site. Getting Golden isn’t just about the website. It’s much larger than that. It’s about actually getting golden, finding my happy; living an authentic life. It’s about doing what is right for you at a given time. Sometimes that means publishing content goes on the back-burner. Sometimes a search for information is what is needed. Sometimes introspection is needed. Sometimes relationships are more important. Other times some important decisions need to be made before you can begin to share with everyone.
While my mind has been berating myself, I have actually accomplished many things. I’ve learned a number of new things about myself. I’ve learned a number of new coping mechanisms that help both me and many others in my life. I’ve read at least a half a dozen books, all of which have provided me with valuable information that I needed and will be able to share with others. I’ve traveled to a number of places exploring and managed to eat healthy food while doing it proving to myself that it can be done. I’ve strengthened a number of relationships and started healing others. I’ve decided to move and have found a new place to call home. My first priority is always to heal. It is to be healthy. Publishing content on my blog helps me to do this, but it is not the only way.
My first priority is to heal and to be healthy; I don’t just apply that to myself, but to the world as a whole. While I haven’t published much I have been working towards my most important goal; facilitating healing in myself and others. While my mind has been running a soundtrack on repeat and I’ve been humming along with it, I’ve also been working towards my goals. My conscious mind may think it’s in control, but my deeper self, is much stronger than I’ve ever realized and she’s been working her ass off. She never stopped. I was too busy singing along connecting with the lyrics to realize that it wasn’t my song. Not anymore.
It’s important to be honest with ourselves and ask questions. Sometimes we are being lazy, sometimes we aren’t living up to our potential, but often times we are too hard on ourselves. If we are being lazy or not living up to our potential then we should ask ourselves why, not berate ourselves. It’s like yelling at people… rarely does it accomplish what you hope. Instead everyone ends up yelling and feeling misunderstood and hurt.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ventured down this path. I’ve visited here many times. It’s easy to end up here after twenty years. The brain pathway is quite worn. It takes effort, a lot of effort to make a new path. One that is more forgiving and supportive. One that shows love and understanding when I fail to meet expectations put forth by myself or others.
The critic used to run my life. I’ve come a long way since those days. I’ve spent a lot of time working to remove its influence from my life. I’ve built a new path and it’s getting more and more use. My old path is starting to become overgrown.
Nobody needs a constant critic in their life, especially one that lives inside you. Now when I catch the critic I invite it to walk with me and we have an honest discussion. Sometimes the critic has some good points and I take it in stride and adjust course without beating myself up further and sometimes I listen and tell the critic to shut the hell up and go back to ensure my new path is well tended. I remind myself that I am amazing. We all are. Every time this happens I become a little stronger, the new pathway becomes a little more worn. It takes time to change the way you think, but patience, determination, and love will help you to transform.