I used to dull my shine. I spent a lot of time trying to be what everyone expected of me. For years I was told I was intimidating (which is rather funny considering my size). I was told I needed to change. I needed to be someone other than who I was. It was exhausting. It was disheartening. It was painful.
I didn’t understand that I was tamping down my passion. It had started so early in my life that I didn’t know what it felt like to stand proud. In my personal life people would make comments about how I lived in my own world, or how I didn’t understand reality. In my professional life I would get to have yearly reviews where they find reasons to criticize you so they can rationalize the menial raise they provide you with. You’re great, but….
I struggled to find my happy in this world. That’s because it wasn’t meant to be my world. It wasn’t something I realized right away. It took years for me to listen to my inner voice. I had anxiety for years. I would wake up in the morning and before I left for work I would get sick to my stomach. EVERY MORNING for YEARS. I thought this was life. All of the people in my life were in basically the same boat. This was just the way it was.
The thing is, this is not true. Everyone one of us has our own reality. Our own perspective. Our own experience. Yes there is a collective reality we share, but what we experience within it, that’s up to us. We make the experience. We get to chose the focus. I wish I could say that one day it just all clicked for me. The truth is it’s been a million little changes that have allowed me to finally be me.
It started with a search for understanding. Actually I believe it started with a soul that refused to be dimmed. There are times when I am so grateful for the soul I’ve been given. I may be in the darkest pit, but there is something in me that refuses to give up. It refuses to quit shining. Even on my darkest days when fear is shouting there is a small voice that whispers, “there is always tomorrow”. It is this part of me that has allowed the transformation to occur. It has kept moving forward even when it had to crawl. It demands that I become what I was meant to be, what I really desire to be.
It has allowed me to see the magic that fills this world. It has allowed me to decide that if I can’t find a path to follow I will blaze my own. Even if I burn in the making of it, that is what makes this life worth living. It has given me the strength to sacrifice everything I thought I was or that I thought I wanted. I won’t dull my shine so you feel comfortable. Not anymore.